Finding Out God's Purpose

Well, ever since the so-called boyfriend and I "broke up"...we haven't hardly spoke. Unless it was me texting or calling him. He hasn't put any effort in to having any kind of friendship or anything..like he claimed "i don't want it to be completely over" PSSH! Whatever! But you know, that's absolutely fine with me. There's way too much going on with him for me to even try to be in his life. Plus, I'm not who I want to be. I'm not the Christian I want to be. I have growing up to do. I have school to finish. I know, I know... in every blog I write I'm usually talking about how patient I'm going to be, and how I'm not ready for a relationship anyway..and how I want to become a better person by putting God first. etc.. Well, I am starting a new bible study with my boss. We are going to listen to Beth Moore together, then go home and do the work book..and talk about things we learn, etc. So, I am so ready.

These past 2 weeks I've been so focused on "What is wrong with me?" And honestly, everything is wrong with me. I'm not stable enough to have this strong, healthy relationship that I yearn for..with anyone...friends...boyfriend... whatever. I'm simply not ready. I have to begin to understand that I am not ready. I have to completely devote myself to God before I can be ready for anyone else to love me... and if I can't stand to be alone for 30 minutes...how could I expect someone else to want to be with me for more than 30 minutes.. I can't. Well, I'm taking the focus off of me now, and putting it on God. I've been so frazzled at work talking with Debbie about this situation I've been in and I was at the point to where I couldn't sit there without wanting to cry. I felt like something was just COMPLETELY wrong with me. It was unbelievable. That's when I really felt like I needed God more than ever. I felt like I couldn't go on without hearing about the Word...about Jesus...about anything dealing with God. I NEEDED it. I told Debbie I didn't know how I would be able to wait until next week to start this study! I told her I'm lost...and I feel like I won't make it through til church wednesday. It's amazing how desperate everything seems when parts of your life fall apart. When what you thought was reality...turned into a lie. This isn't all wrapped around the "ex boyfriend"...this is just several things that finally blew up and made me realize how lost I've been. Anyhow, Debbie got me a work book of Beth Moore's and two other little books to read while she was gone. I've made it through a chapter of one of the books, hi-lighting and re-reading everything. I love it. I can't wait to read some more. It's so inspirational! It's wonderful to know that God has a purpose for me. He does. I've known it, but I've never tried to grow more spiritually. I've always put the "I'm becoming more spiritual" mask on... but I've never really tried. Now is the time for trying! I need to build the kingdom that's waiting for me in heaven! I need to be able to get everything out of this life that I can, and the only way I can do that, is to put more into it! Learn God's Word...Apply God's Word, and Glorify Him! All I have to do is do it! I need to go now! I just wanted to use this blog!

The Faith Rest Technique

"God has promised to supply me needs and I know that He is able to do so. After all, if He gave his own Son for me, He will not withhold from me other things. Therefore, I should not be anxious, but instead, I should allow His peace to guard my thinking and cast my cares on Him, as I wait on the Lord, for He is faithful, and I know that if I seek first His kingdom and righteousness, all other things will be provided."

So, THAT is the Faith Rest Technique. Sounds pretty easy, huh? It is easy, if you can just do it!

Well, I had an interesting Christmas "break" from school. I kind of had a boyfriend for a few weeks. It was nice having someone to carry conversations on with, someone to watch movies with, go out to dinner with a few times...all that stuff. But, with current situations, I decided it's best for he and I to not be "boyfriend/girlfriend". I'm sure we'll be friends, simply because our paths will consistantly cross until I'm no longer at my current job..but that will definately be a while! I'm back in school now, so I'm stoked! I have ten weeks of classes! That's all until I get the financial aid back! $705.00 for 2 classes was a lot to deal with!!! But, it's worth it. One day, hopefully within two years, I will have a degree! I'm so excited!

I'm going to put "me" on the back burner for a while. I always say I'm going to be patient and wait for the Lord to provide "The One" for me. But, it's still nice to date someone! It's nice to spend time with a person that you get along with really well! So, I'm just going to start praying that I will become the perfect "help meet" for whoever it is the Lord has for me! Who knows... maybe he's right around the corner, maybe he's someone that hasn't come into my life. I don't know. I won't know. I just have to rely on the Lord and know that it'll happen when He is ready.

Anyhow, I need to go get some things done. I just wanted to blog a little bit!

By the way,

This girl is my best friend. I could never ask for a better person in my life. She's always been there for me, no matter how wrong I was in what I was doing. I don't know what I would be doing if she wasn't in my life. Having a friend, since you are 6 years old, and STILL being in contact with them 16 years later, That is truly something.

I love you katie-poo.

Think.

Well...

It has been quite a while since I've written on this thing. To be quite honest with you, I forgot about it. I'm going to try to keep up with it more..it just seems to be a hard thing to do. I have stuff bottled up inside... expenses, thoughts, guys being jerks.. a struggle with weight. *SIGH*

Expenses.

I have been running behind on some bills. Paying bits and pieces throughout a two week period.. but they all get paid. I've recently decided to go to the doctor for what ever it is that's wrong with me. The day I decided what I was going to spend my christmas bonus on, which was a doctor visit, I found out I have to take 2 more classes and a Regent's Test at school before I can get any closer to getting my degree. I cried for a good 10 minutes or so, but Debbie helped me through it. I'll be talking to a counselor on Monday for whatever I need to do. Expenses will start looking up here after Thanksgiving.

Thoughts/Guys.

Sometimes I don't understand what it is that normal guys do not like about me. So far, I've been slightly "dissed" by these 2 people. But.. it's okay. I'm gonna stay single forever and just go to a sperm bank and get it handled when i want a kid. haha.

I'm struggling with weight. I've been eating rather healthy, yet I am still putting the weight on. Maybe i'm just pms-ing...I don't know. I'm tired of feeling ugly.

It sucks.

That's why girls become anorexic. It's hard to get the "Think" attitude out of your head once you're fully involved with Thinking Thin. So... from here on out I'm simply going to THINk.

It only makes sense.

Anyhow, I'm going to blowdry my hair. Then go to sleep.

Cheerios.

Achoo.

Well, Well, Well...

I am cursed with some kind of cold. HaHa. Not really a curse, but I hate colds! I don't even get sick in the winter. It's always always always a summer cold. Oh well, stuff happens! I didn't stay at the kids night out. I'm tired...and getting sick is NO fun. So, here I am. At home. Blogging. I may start reading Proverbs tonight. I'm not sure. I want to start from the beginning of the Bible..but I would really like to read Proverbs. Ahh. Decisions Decisions! I'm watching Shooter, with Marky Mark. Interesting. My dad's watching it, therefore I am. Hmm. I think I am about to go read now. We shall see.

Just Beginning

Today was a day full of surprises. I scratched my car up, by running into the column at the bank. It was rather sad. Shortly, as in within about 10 minutes, I am walking out of Subway, and come to find that I have a flat tire, on the complete opposite side of my vehicle. HaHa. I handled it rather well. I think it was kind of a break through point.. growing spiritually. Maybe I'm looking too far into it. But I believe it was spiritual testing. Anyhow, it is time to end this night. I just wanted to post.

<3
P-nut