Well, ever since the so-called boyfriend and I "broke up"...we haven't hardly spoke. Unless it was me texting or calling him. He hasn't put any effort in to having any kind of friendship or anything..like he claimed "i don't want it to be completely over" PSSH! Whatever! But you know, that's absolutely fine with me. There's way too much going on with him for me to even try to be in his life. Plus, I'm not who I want to be. I'm not the Christian I want to be. I have growing up to do. I have school to finish. I know, I know... in every blog I write I'm usually talking about how patient I'm going to be, and how I'm not ready for a relationship anyway..and how I want to become a better person by putting God first. etc.. Well, I am starting a new bible study with my boss. We are going to listen to Beth Moore together, then go home and do the work book..and talk about things we learn, etc. So, I am so ready.
These past 2 weeks I've been so focused on "What is wrong with me?" And honestly, everything is wrong with me. I'm not stable enough to have this strong, healthy relationship that I yearn for..with anyone...friends...boyfriend... whatever. I'm simply not ready. I have to begin to understand that I am not ready. I have to completely devote myself to God before I can be ready for anyone else to love me... and if I can't stand to be alone for 30 minutes...how could I expect someone else to want to be with me for more than 30 minutes.. I can't. Well, I'm taking the focus off of me now, and putting it on God. I've been so frazzled at work talking with Debbie about this situation I've been in and I was at the point to where I couldn't sit there without wanting to cry. I felt like something was just COMPLETELY wrong with me. It was unbelievable. That's when I really felt like I needed God more than ever. I felt like I couldn't go on without hearing about the Word...about Jesus...about anything dealing with God. I NEEDED it. I told Debbie I didn't know how I would be able to wait until next week to start this study! I told her I'm lost...and I feel like I won't make it through til church wednesday. It's amazing how desperate everything seems when parts of your life fall apart. When what you thought was reality...turned into a lie. This isn't all wrapped around the "ex boyfriend"...this is just several things that finally blew up and made me realize how lost I've been. Anyhow, Debbie got me a work book of Beth Moore's and two other little books to read while she was gone. I've made it through a chapter of one of the books, hi-lighting and re-reading everything. I love it. I can't wait to read some more. It's so inspirational! It's wonderful to know that God has a purpose for me. He does. I've known it, but I've never tried to grow more spiritually. I've always put the "I'm becoming more spiritual" mask on... but I've never really tried. Now is the time for trying! I need to build the kingdom that's waiting for me in heaven! I need to be able to get everything out of this life that I can, and the only way I can do that, is to put more into it! Learn God's Word...Apply God's Word, and Glorify Him! All I have to do is do it! I need to go now! I just wanted to use this blog!
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